An Open Letter of Anger

To Whom It May Concern:

Hi, let me introduce myself. I am Rory Larry, your friendly movie idiot. Some would question the wisdom of choosing a blog that names me as a movie idiot. I cannot argue with these people, since I will see any number of movies that aren't worth the celluloid they are imprinted on. I should tell you a few things about myself before I get any further. I am a comic book geek. I love reading comics, heck; I love collecting comics and then reading them again later. I have spent a lot of money over the years, sometimes when I had very little to spare all on comics. I'm not going to claim to be the biggest comic book fan; I don't even mark in the running for that title. I just enjoy them. I like Spiderman and Superman. I like the Green Lantern and the Hulk.

And oh yes, I like X-Men. I know like many that when Stan Lee was coming up with comic ideas in the early sixties that many of his creations were merely ways of expressing his thoughts on pressing social issues. X-Men clearly represented the issues of race that were pertinent at the time and still are today. I know lots of geeky things about specific characters and their powers, not better than some, or many for that matter, but I do know. I collect X-Men comics and read them and I watched the first X-Men movie with delight that it had finally made it to the screen. Some thought it a bit too expositional. I defended it saying things like "what do you expect? It's an introduction to many non fans and it has to be commercially viable to more than just us geeks."

I let you know that so that you know what one of my other favorite things in this world is. I love movies. I love watching them, reading screenplays, learning about which director or producer is involved, what actors have signed on and other tidbits of knowledge that bore other people. And I defend many genres of movies even if they aren't the best films around. Yes, in some ways I am a movie snob, but in other ways Red Dawn (1984) is one of my favorite films of all time. Yes, the movie from 1984 about Russians invading the USA and teenagers no less fighting against them. I watch it and smile at Patrick Swayze and C. Thomas Howell (remember C. Thomas Howell?). Powers Boothe as the gnarled old air force pilot who aids them. God bless Powers Boothe. So let me assure you that my love of Red Dawn should prove that I can enjoy a movie that isn't very good.

One more quick note, I don't mind adaptation. In fact I appreciate a well adapted film. I think the complaint "it wasn't like the book" is meaningless. If you want it to be like the book, just read the book. If you want to see a film, go to the movies, or rent. I don't even care if you mess with mythology. I enjoy the retelling of Superman in the show Smallville. One of my favorite current comics is Ultimate X-Men which is a re-imagining of the X-Men saga. So I don't get upset that a film is not true to the source material.

I apologize for this digression, but I felt it was necessary before I tell you how much I hated X-Men: The Last Stand. But let us not get ahead of ourselves. After the end of the second film, one got the feeling that a bigger, more flamboyant film was coming. One in which all the issues of the X-Men universe would come to ahead. So as our film begins (minus a few background moments that set up some plot points) the President has a Mutant advisor in Hank McCoy (Kelsey Grammer) and things seem to be getting better for mutants. We learn of a cure that has been developed and we see how this news is received. Hated by some, embraced by others, the plot flies back and forth between several characters at once.

The film at times requires a prosopographic lexicon for all but the most die hard fans just to identify the characters. Big ones like Wolverine or Storm are obvious, but will the common audience know that Warren Worthington III is Angel? Well he does have big white wings so maybe that was a poor example. Well in any event, Magneto (Ian McKellan) begins to stir up mutants and at a rally we meet several young and eager acolytes. I didn't catch names, if any were given. One has the power to sense mutants and their power. She says something about levels as if it is meaningful. I don't recall a name for her and she will be important so I'll name her here.

Plot Device seems like a fitting name. Since that is all she is, she shows up explains a power, where people are and general moves along a plot that is flowing like molasses. She really serves no other purpose, sure they give her a speed mutation as well so she can compete in battle, but do not be mistaken, she is a rather uninventive plot device. Plot Device helps Magneto find his lieutenant Mystique. She is in a convoy being escorted...well somewhere. This is the point of the movie were some really stupid and badly written dialogue introduces us to Red Herring and also a comic fan favorite Juggernaut. I know Red Herring was not his name, but it should have been, since that is his only purpose in this movie!!

Things get worse as Magneto declares all out war and a few X-Men stand against them in some sort of 'last stand'...hey, that's the subtitle of the movie! The only other 'last stand' I can think of is the one that Custer had...boy that didn't turn out so well. There is more to the plot; the Phoenix of course had to show up, mainly because it was alluded to in the end of the second film. But I'm already tired of describing it and I've probably already angered somebody reading this by revealing a spoiler, but it is nothing truly important really.

Mr. Ratner and his cadre of writing support staff lack subtlety. I really cannot say it more clearly than that. It rarely gets more banal and uninteresting when you have characters whose sole purposes are to work out a plot point or attempt to mislead the audience. You can pretty much calculate when a character is going to do something in this movie based on the economy of characters (relatively main ones at least). Hey, I haven't seen Red Herring do anything yet...oh here it is. Whew...I was worried you had forgotten him. Hey, Plot Device we need to advance the story what can you do for us? Excellent, let us go to that location and do stuff.

There are so many plots and subplots in this movie and all of them pretty boring. Wait...what is that? Must pause story for romantic subplot. Where would an action movie be without an unconvincing love story? There are also tons of characters. So many and some on screen for mere minutes that it felt as if Mr. Ratner had gotten a focus group of comic geeks together and told them "We only have room for 183 X-Men characters in this film, we need you to vote on which ones you want? Juggernaut? Okay can do. Moira McTaggart? Done and done." I think you get the picture.

Thank god the writers also picked up a copy of "Every Action Movie Cliche" and "Cliched Dialogue" at the bookstore. Because without those precious moments I might have been fooled into thinking Plot Device and Red Herring were actually inventive ideas. As in any good action film (or at least one that expects to make money) the film's final act is dominated by special effect laden fight scenes. It is this element that will make this film oodles and oodles of money. Enough people won't care about the fact that the film is really bad and will just enjoy seeing Iceman take his Ice form or Colossus his metal form or Wolverine slicing and dicing and doing what he does best.

But I never thought I would convince that market anyway. I don't expect to convince anyone. But even with a subtitle like Last Stand, the fight scenes lack some potency because one can be confident that Custer's fate is not in store for our heroes. In the end, it seems like some major things have happened definitive ending of the franchise type things. The kind of things that if I believed for one second they would actually follow through on, I could have actually offered them respect for. Two little moments occur in the final seconds. One you get before the credits, the other you have to wait for, so stay if you are so inclined. But I had already thought of the first after the cure was brought up and the second revelation can be seen coming miles away!!

I'm not convinced that Bryan Singer could have done better, although I eagerly await his Superman Returns. I thought X-Men 2 (2003) was a bit tedious at times, but I still enjoyed it. Mr. Ratner is no Bryan Singer. What acting there is in this movie is as well done as one could expect. The actors are some of the best in the business, Ian McKellan, Halle Berry, Anna Paquin. Still the utter lack of characterization in these shells that the actors have taken on leaves everything a bit wooden. I might be more harsh but I know who the characters are in a sense, because I've read the comics, the average viewer may be in more trouble. X-Men 4 will no doubt do away with plot, dialogue and acting all together and just be a two hour battle royale of Marvel Universe mutants. The irony is that idea would probably make it more popular and make it more money than all the previous three films combined.

Sincerely,
Rory Larry, The Movie Idiot