The Other Boleyn Girl

I know that when criticizing a movie one is supposed to judge the film on its merits and not complain about what it could of been. But when you make a bad film (and I do believe that most people in Hollywood know when they've made a bad film) you should acknowledge it and do what's right. If its bad, make it over the top bad. That way at least we foolish saps who shell out our $10 will at least have a smile from all the camp we're experiencing. And believe me, I see the potential that The Other Boleyn Girl could have had.

I mean let's pause and just think about the plot for a moment. King Henry (Eric Bana) the 8th's wife has just given birth to a stillborn baby and now Henry is likely to be in the market for a mistress to provide him a male heir. Dastardly wicked uncle to the Boleyn daughters decides that his nieces are prime for such a task. At first offering up single Anne (Natalie Portman) and eventually not so single Mary (Scarlett Johansen). This creates a back and forth and series of seductions other plot twists as the movie plays out. this film failed to deliver.

A movie about a guy prostituting out his own daughters as mistresses to the King of England and all the accompanying melodrama? How could that not be camp brilliance? All they had to do was acknowledge that as their goal and just go big. I mean really big. Have lots of scenes where Bana is just chewing scenery left and right. Have lots of really unambiguous innuendo flying from the seductresses. But do we get any of that? Just the barest of hints of what this film could have been.

Anne at one point utters a line about staying on a horse by using her thighs and other such blatant stuff. Sadly such lines and scenes are few and far between. And the sex (which no offense we should expect in a film about sex) is almost wholly absent save for a few scenes which are ended with the camera rolling up and away like some bad 50s film. This could have been a beautiful unofficial prologue to the Elizabeth movies (especially the most recent one with its over the top messiness).

What could be a better prologue to the story of the "virgin queen" than a campy sexpose on all the shenanigans that produced said queen? Sadly the film is desperately trying to play it safe. And what do we get for our efforts? The beautiful but untalented Johansen; the beautiful and underused Portman and not much else. And the uncle is so unambiguously sinister that I couldn't tell if he was acting that way on purpose or if he too was void of actual talent.

Sometimes campiness is okay, sometimes campiness is necessary. This film failed to deliver.