Movie Idiot pretends to be Trailer Guy and Fails

Drive Angry - Holy hell. Pun intended. When a friend first told me about this preview I sort of laughed and cringed at the absurdity of the whole thing. Then I actually watched it. If you can get past the first voice over and not want to immediately see this film then something is wrong with you. No its not good, its just so bad it will have to be good right? There is something oddly right and fitting about William Fichtner playing Death (or the Accountant as he's called), kind of like when i first heard that Peter Stromare was cast as Satan in Constantine. Oh and Amber Heard is pleasant to look at:




Real Steel - Who? Why? How? Does someone suggest Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots: The Movie? And then it actually gets made? And why o why could it not have been me? Its actually quite an awful preview with Hugh Jackman mugging for the camera when he isn't chewing scenery like he hasn't eaten in weeks.

Fast Five - What could one add to the flashy overdrive action franchise that is the Fast and the Furious movies? How about Dwayne Johnson. Because beyond bringing together just about every major character from the whole series that is all this movie seems to be doing. But again, Jordanna Brewster is also very nice to look at:



Kill the Irishman - In a film that will no doubt play well with my brother, the much hyped Irish-Italian feud gets another big screen showing. Playing the role of the titular hero/anti-hero is Ray "Punisher #3" Stevenson. The trailer doesn't really do anything exciting. In fact it seems to hit every cliche note I would expect in a Irish Mob vs. Italian Mob movie.

The Girlfriend Experience

It seems like every couple of movies, Steven Soderbergh is trying something innovative and cutting edge. Several years ago it was Bubble, which was a mess of real people in acting roles and a plot that was barely present. So enter The Girlfriend Experience. A follow up of sorts. just replace non actors with porn actress. Plot? No we'll stick with the whole no plot thing.

The movie stars porn actress Sasha Gray as a high class prostitute. We ramble around with her as she visits clients, talks to a journalist and her boyfriend. This all inter cut with scenes of her boyfriend going on a trip to Vegas and other random scenes that confused me. I can't even begin to understand what the point is. But Soderbergh seems really committed to finding a way to get a movie to work with non traditional actors. Its like Cinema Verite without anything to make you interested.

I recently saw Sasha Gray interviewed and she listed her five favorite movies. What the hell? Jean Luc Goddard? And Escape from New York? She actually seems sort of interesting. But coming as no shock to anyone ever, she can't act. At all. In fact its rather painful. Especially in her scenes where she is waxing intellectual with her clients.

Oddly enough at one point in voice over we hear a "review" of Gray's prostitute by a vindictive "pimp" which is about spot on as to the believability of Ms. Gray as a high class prostitute. My only hope is that when Soderbergh makes this train wrecks it gets whatever it is out of his system. And then he gives us something like Out of Sight.

A Little Trip To Heaven

After four months of sitting on my desk unwatched, I finally opened up a netflix dvd that I had decided I should see. And as I stared at the disc in front of me I had but one question. What the hell is this? Why did I want to see this? Did I put this on my list back in my Julia Stiles fascination days? Did I want to see what else Jeremy Renner had done after seeing The Hurt Locker? Do I worship the awesomeness that is Peter Coyote? Maybe it was Forest Whitaker? I can not think of one conceivable reason why I put this film on my list. But apparently at some point I thought it was a good idea right? So how bad could it be?

Help me out Netflix movie description?

When a claim is sought on the million-dollar life insurance policy of notorious con artist Kelvin Anderson, crack investigator Holt is assigned to uncover the truth in Baltasar Kormakur's crime noir. Holt (Forest Whitaker) suspects deceit from the get-go, and he stealthily tries to uncover the truth from Kelvin's sister Isold (Julia Stiles) and her erratic husband, Fred (Jeremy Renner). Peter Coyote co-stars.

Oh god. It sounds awful. But that's just a description. How bad could it be? Mr. Whitaker has some sort of british? accent. I have the question mark there because I'm not exactly sure where he's supposed to be from. At one point he is vaguely referred to as being from north. Its pretty much all kinds of awful. And then there is Jeremy Renner. He was surprisingly good in The Hurt Locker. But then again he was also really bad in 28 Weeks Later and SWAT. And painful in this. Ms. Stiles, although I love you, this was not your best role.

And this movie doesn't really have anything going for it. The plot is particularly nonsensical. There is some small suggestion in the end and in some half done deleted scene that Whitaker goes to heaven. There are in fact several references to heaven that seemed strangely out of place. Whatever the directer was going for, it got lost somewhere between his vision and the screen. Next time I think I'll just send it back if I'm not sure why I put the movie on my queue.

CinemaRomantico demands, I deliver, I can't have someone that influential mad at me

Per the request of CinemaRomantico

1.) What was your first movie-going experience? I couldn't possibly tell you, but I can vividly remember seeing The Dead Pool in theaters. My parents even let me sit in the front row and an usher asked where my parents were, and when I pointed at them several rows back, he shrugged and walked away (makes me remember my theater days). Why my parents would take me to a movie like Dirty Harry at age 7 is not entirely clear but I don't think it hurt me too much. Best/worst line: "He's hanging around back there" - Dirty Harry having killed the villain with a harpoon gun.

2.) How many DVDs do you own? A little over two hundred but I am in the process of downsizing to about half that. I own 3 Blu-Ray Discs.

3.) What is your guilty pleasure movie? Bring It On, The scene with Sparky Pulaski is cinematic genius.

4.) You have compiled a list of your top 100 movies. Which movies didn’t make the cut? I could never make a top 100 list because I could never decide on movies 2-100. Movies which are often listed in such lists because they represent innovation (but in my opinion are not very interesting movies e.g. Voyage to the Moon or Birth of a Nation) would probably get left off.

5.) Which movie(s) do you compulsively watch over and over again? Thin Red Line, its my favorite movie and each new viewing is rewarded with something new.

6.) Classic(s) you’re embarrassed to admit you haven’t seen yet? Quite a bit of the foreign classics.

7.) What movie posters hang on your wall? Well none currently but usually Thin Red Line, the first poster which still listed John Travolta on it before his name was removed for fear that people would go to it instead of Civil Action which was released at the same time.

Summer Movies I Want to See

Or rather perhaps I should say, summmer movies I will see whether I truly desire to or not. Without adieu.

Iron Man 2 - Well because Iron Man was really fun. And although as is inevitable with superhero sequels, it will be bad. It will take everything that was great in the first and up the ante by 1000. But it will have great effects and at least one or two good action sequences. Everyone needs a little popcorn action in their summer.

Robin Hood - when this movie was title Nottingham and was to be the story of Robin Hood from the Sheriff's perspective, it was the movie I wanted to see this summer. Now, frankly, its still Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe but I suspect that is going to make it Gladiator 2: The Middle Ages. Which will have some really excited and me really sad.

A-Team - like a bad car crash I can't look away from the destruction of my youth.

Inception - Nolan, DiCaprio and even Mr. Gordon-Levitt. and it seems like Nolan is getting back to the material that made him, weird stuff. and away from highly overrated Batman films.

Predators - Its predators, i have to.

Scott Pilgrim Versus the World - Michael Cera plays a role, one role, perfectly, and as long as you use it right, it works. This seems like its going to work. Also Mary Elizabeth Winstead whom my friend thinks should be the star of the next Die Hard film. And that on its face is close to genius.

Sadly none of these films has me terribly excited.

Academy Awards...I haven't a clue

Wow, talk about a change. In 2008 I saw 100 films in the theater over the course of one year. In 2009, I'd be surprised if it topped thirty. Its now four days into March and mere days away from the Academy Awards. I have seen four of the Best Picture nominees, and only two of the nominated acting performances. Oh and I've seen exactly zero movies in the theater this year. Now this is in part because I've been pretty poor, in part because well have you seen the films being released? Now my lack of blogging and lack of writing reviews I am sure was a thrill to everyone out there. But I figured I should say something before the Academy Awards.

I'm not sure what I should say. I can't exactly pick my horses as I have seen almost none of the movies. But the only thing I find about as fascinating as movies is predictive markets. Which have all but chosen every major award.

Best Director? Overwhelmingly the market thinks this is Bigelow's. Sure, why not. It was a decent enough film and it is a pretty glaring oversight that no woman has ever won a best director award.

Supporting Actor/Actress: These have Christoph Waltz and Mo'Nique. I saw Mr. Waltz's performance and its one of the great things in Inglorious Basterds, hell one of the only good things in that movie which I didn't care for so much. Mo'Nique won the Golden Globe so sure sounds reasonable. I didn't see any of the supporting actress roles.

Best Actor/Actress: Bridges blows the market competition out of the water. The movie idiot abides. Sandra Bullock is leading by a healthy margin but not with the close to 90% margin that the previously mentioned nominees are. Meryl Streep by virtue of the fact that she is Meryl Streep has about the remaining third of the market. Upset? Wait is it an upset when Meryl Streep wins?

Best Picture: Again a strong lead for Hurt Locker but not total. Avatar has about a third of the market. Now this is the one category wherein since its basically a horse race between Avatar and Hurt Locker, I can actually have an opinion. And unfortunately I'm torn. See I saw Hurt Locker after all the hype and frankly was underwhelmed. Not because it wasn't a decent movie but because well compared to some of the great movies I have seen in my life, well it seriously falls short. Avatar has its flaws sure but I enjoyed it quite a bit and there does seem to be a fair amount of hatred out there for it (which frankly I don't understand).

But then again the thought of James Cameron getting on stage and douching it up in an acceptance speech makes me shudder. Go Hurt Locker!