Michael Bay is trying to kill me

This has always been a movie blog. Movie reviews, strictly. I've tried to keep it that way. I probably shouldn't be writing this post. It is a slippery slope from movie reviews to obnoxious, here's how my day went fodder. But I justify myself in that it will still be about film, albeit short film. Summer is here, all my shows (whether you think they are good or not) are no longer airing new episodes. I'm left with a void I must fill with summer programming. One program that intrigued me from the start was On the Lot. A Fox reality show where they selected 50 aspiring directors and put them in a competition for a contract with Dreamworks. They whittled that fifty down to eighteen and then started having America (not the best judge of character, Spider-Man 3 made 150 million in one weekend) vote on who they liked best. Since they winner could one day have a movie reviewed on this very site, I've taken an interest (or so I keep telling myself).

Initially, the format was to show the filmmakers making their films and the struggles they had. Apparently that didn't test well, so the show went to an American Idol model of performance and results. They show the films of the directors, the judges make comments and then America gets to vote. The show has three judges who make comments for the directors after each film. There are two standard judges and a guest judge every week. The first standard is Carrie Fisher (yeah Princess Leia) who is billed as an actress and screenwriter (check IMDb for a rather sad writer's c.v.). Was she the only screenwriter they could get? Spielberg produces this show, he couldn't demand someone else? Scott Frank or Shane Black, I think would both be really good.

The second standard is Gary Marshall. Gary "Pretty Woman" Marshall. Okay, fair enough. Respected Hollywood icon, pretty successful, sure not the best director ever but is competent in the director's chair and makes Hollywood money. Guest judge for the first week was Brett Ratner (the man who took what Brian Singer brilliantly created (X-Men franchise) and toppled it in a single film (hell toppled it within the first half hour of that film). Things improved in the next week when the had D.J. Caruso, director of Disturbia on. His advice was actually useful and he seemed to know what he was talking about. Now lets take one step back.

Last night? Michael Bay. Michael "if movies were a religion, I would be the antichrist" Bay. Director of such disasters as Bad Boys, Armageddon, The Rock and Pearl Harbor. The host actually said the contestants hope to be a Michael Bay one day. I think any contestant who hopes that should immediately be dismissed from the competition. The three judges watched five 3 minute films last night. Carrie commented and Marshal commented, but I really don't care. Bay's comments are what are causing me to feel like I'm having an embolism.

Bay said to the first filmmaker, you need to make your movie tighter, work on editing. Let's just pause for a moment. Seriously. Just stop reading and think about that for like thirty seconds. I'll wait. .... Okay, ready? Michael Bay the man who had the interminably long Pearl Harbor which could have been cut down to five minutes and still would have been a bad film actually told another person he needs to work on editing?

Bay told another filmmaker that they needed to work on their dialogue. Again sit back read that last sentence again, think of a Michael Bay film and just realize how absurd that advice truly is. He directed a film in which the line "I take pleasure in guttin' you, boy" was uttered. He didn't stop and say wow is this dialogue bad. He just kept filming. Michael Bay telling people to write better dialogue, has the world gone crazy?

Bay told a third contestant his film felt like retread.

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I just don't know what to say anymore. Enough of Mr. Bay.

Okay, the films:

Sam Friedlander directed Broken Pipe Dreams. Despite my rant above I had to agree with Mr. Bay (and you have no idea how physically ill that makes me). This film could have been shorter. It had a few too many drawn out shots. Other than that, it was a fantastic send up of the very films Bay loves to direct. I wonder if he knew Bay would be the guest judge because it was just too perfect. When the protagonist falls onto his knees at the end (I was reminded of Nick Cage in The Rock falling on the ground at the end). The red wire, blue wire gag was classic as well.

Trevor James directed Teri about a guy's irrational fears about what his blind date would look like. I found this film boring. The sappy end with the pretty girl (who could still be crazy, didn't anyone ever tell this guy not to judge a book by its cover?) was a poor end to a mediocre film.

Adam Stein directed Dough: The Musical. This is a musical about a bakery owner looking for love. I as a rule hate musicals but this was short, to the point and funny. The lyrics (with exception of a few awkward lyrics to make a rhyme) were fun and the story was good.

Hilary Graham directed The First Time I Met The Finkelsteins. This was a film in the My Big Fat Greek Wedding genre. Maybe it would be funny to someone who knows people like this or families like this. I just found it tedious and over the top and retread (note this was not the film that was called retread by Bay (that would be Trevor James' film).

Shalini Kantayya directed Laughing Out Loud: A Comic Journey. This was a documentary about a gay Indian (from India, not native American) comedian. I actually didn't know if this was a mockumentary or a real short documentary. I was under the impression that they were all to direct a comedy but maybe I was wrong. It was interesting but not funny.

Surprisingly for me I would have to say I enjoyed the musical by Stein the most. If for no other reason, this show has some decent short films every week, so I'll be watching despite the likes of Mr. Bay.