Sunday, January 13, 2008

In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Uwe Boll may be the single worst director in film history. His films lack originality, are filled with bad dialog, bad acting and generally poor pacing and story telling. This is made more stark by his incessant whining that his films aren't successful because of a vast marketing conspiracy. I'm not kidding just read his own words (Uwe). Do you see how deluded this guy is? He is also incredibly fond of translating video games into movies. His amazingly incompetent resume includes House of the Dead, BloodRayne and now In the Name of the King.

You might be wondering why, if I have such clear disdain for him, why I would ever see a movie he directed. Well let's not forget the idiot part of my self-applied moniker. But truth be told its really a morbid fascination that I cannot resist. Despite the utterly irredemable nature of his films, he keeps going (who knows how he keeps getting money). He's an irresistable force that flies in the face of all traditional Hollywood wisdom. I think I watch out of genuine curiosity. How much worse can it get? What once major but now defunct Hollywood actor will he get to star in his next film?

Well this one offers a doozy of a list of b-movie relegated stars and once formerly glorious icons. I couldn't make up this cast: Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Jason Statham, Matthew Lilard, John Rhys-Davies, Leelee Sobieski, Claire Forlani. Its really quite mind boggling. And sadly the one possibility that you could hope for is some real honest to goodness camp over acting to keep you entertained. But it fails to offer even that. Instead you can actually see the boredom on actors faces as they telephone in their lines. Nobody is having fun making this film.

I'm not even going to bother with a plot description. Its just a really crappy "Lord of the Rings" knock off anyway. But let me assure you the only time in the entire movie I was even mildly amused was when a group of ninjas showed up. Because all I could think was "who the hell thought ninjas was what this scene needed?" And in the end I know its my own fault that this film will indeliably be left in my conscience for years to come while much better movies that are deserving of memory will fall by the wayside.

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